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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29896728">Song of beginning...and the End</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramim/pseuds/Ramim'>Ramim</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Lucien Vanserra-centric, M/M, OOC, Original Character(s), Poor Lucien Vanserra, The Autumn Court (ACoTaR), The Day Court (ACoTaR), The Night Court, The Spring Court (ACoTaR), post acosf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:02:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,363</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29896728</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramim/pseuds/Ramim</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>**kinda post ACOSF**<br/>**contains spoiler**<br/>.<br/>.<br/>The world is new, but old magic is rising! enemy is not enemy and a lost power has returned to the world! darkness is dancing, light is fading...what was fire except the smell of burning flesh? what was he except a vessel to destroy and then...to rebuild?<br/>friends...he had made! family...he had lost! peace and love was all he wanted, all he had ever sought...now that the secrets are all revealed, will he ever find what he wants?<br/>Lucien has never thought he would be here, in this place! where the fate of all being lays at his hands! "this is the end" he thinks with himself..."and the beginning" a voice whispers to him!<br/>maybe there is still hope after all...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Azriel &amp; Lucien Vanserra, Azriel/Lucien Vanserra, Elain Archeron &amp; Azriel, Elain Archeron &amp; Lucien Vanserra, Eris Vanserra &amp; Lucien Vanserra, Feyre Archeron/Rhysand, Helion &amp; Lucien Vanserra, Jurian/Vassa (ACoTaR), Nesta Archeron/Cassian, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. How it became</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello everyone...this is my first fic and it takes place almost after ACOSF and it probably contains spoilers, the story is quite long and I've tried to expand the story and fuse it with a few abandoned things that was mentioned in the books...<br/>the story is mostly loyal to canon but I've changed a few things, and I'm a simp for depressed, sad, broody, heroic characters! so...<br/>AND English is my second language so if you saw any mistake I apologize beforehand and please feel free to tell me<br/>this part is a prologue<br/>hope you like the story!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once upon a time there was a little tribe, living in a world all alone! The world was theirs and theirs alone!<br/>They were being led by a female, beautiful as the sun shining over the hills! the nature itself poured its magic in her, and she was so bright, so full of life! She was by all means the life incarnation...and They were immortal, undying! Deathless…<br/>Years passed and passed! The tribe grew and no longer was it little… it was big and glorious! The knew art, they knew music! They would dance under the moonlight, they would dance under the sunshine! They would dance and dance and dance until the days would grow cold and old! And then they would dance again until the days would rebirth anew…hey were happy, they had anything they wanted and didn't want!<br/>But no happiness will last long…<br/>The female led them to the greatness...they discovered every hidden land, found out every covered secret! And in one of their adventure they found an ancient place, old and dark! Gloomy like nowhere else in their lands!<br/>They named the place 'zolamat' for no ray of sunshine could reach it, and there was a gate...the female found it first and she didn't know where it would open to! But she reached the handle anyway and opened the door. At first there was nothing but then a voice came! Raw and cold as the cracking sound of shattering stones…as if it hasn't been used for eons!<br/>The voice said. With a surprising tone of innocence in it:<br/>_ do I know you?<br/>The female paused. Shivering at the coldness of the voice and melting inside from its innocence!<br/>What to answer? What to say? She didn't know the voice! And yet…it was familiar…familiar as the rumbling hum that ran deep through the world! And there was something something in the voice that showed its owner craves for speaking! For being talked to… so she answered!<br/>_ no you don't, you don't know me…who are you?<br/>The voice, deeper in its innocence and shallow in coldness now stammered:<br/>_ I am…I am…<br/>And then nothing! The silence was lost…was yearning to be filled!<br/>The female took pity on him for she was full of kindness and the voice was so... vulnerable! So She reached her hand and called upon the voice:<br/>_ come with me, I'll show you my world…we have enough space for you! You can make a home here! You kind find yourself, find who you are...<br/>There was tremble in the world, the door made a cricking noise! The voice asked:<br/>_ can i? does your world has enough space for me?<br/>The female laughed:<br/>_of course it does, our world is vast and you are one person!<br/>Their world had enough space for everyone! It could be a home for everyone! And one person...one person so valuable, so innocent couldn't be... dangerous? Certainly not! Nothing in their world was dangerous!<br/>So the voice came out the darkness beyond the door and took the females hand! a face appeard, beautiful as the full moon in a starless night! And they walked, together, in the vast world beyond 'zolamat'!<br/>Time passed and the female fell in love, she had no reason for this rooted feeling that never ceased to warm her heart! She couldn't understand this deep yearning that kept her awake at night…all she knew, all she could understand was one word, love…she loved and loved the voice…<br/>And so they lived, together! In that beautiful and happy world! But things were about to change! Things were changing! The female was happy, she was drowned into the bliss that come from the satisfaction of knowing every thing is fine...but it wasn't!<br/>Life was growing weary! Time, this passing of the land and nature, this strange and unknown thing which dried the leaves in the fall and grew them all green and new in the spring, was showing itself to them! The days were getting shorter, people had started to wither… illness and decay had came to their world…<br/>It was an autumn morning... one blissful morning, chill breeze was brushing her cheeks and the aroma of fresh orange was tickling her nose... the female woke up and breathed deeply, tasting the scent in the air and put her hand on her womb, a light feeling filled her fingertips... a life was growing inside her…a child, the fruit of her love was pulsing weakly inside her...<br/>And as the life inside her grew stronger, the world grew colder and colder and she got to see her beloved less and less! She asked one day:<br/>_ where are you going my dear? I need you by my side, I want you be here when our child take their frist breath…<br/>The voice answered, quiet and lovingly:<br/>_ I will be, I will be by your side when my child is born<br/>But he left again, days passed and they turned to months! White crystals had started falling from the sky! Weeks had passed and shiny little stars were coloring the night, swift and fast they would pass and leave traces of other worlds behind!<br/>The female had a pot, a little cauldron that she would boil and make her herbs and medicine in it to heal the sick people who were growing in number day by day, she would use it to bring out the natures magic and manipulate it in the way she wanted! She would heal with it, she would create with it…it was a passage for the life that ran in their world…<br/>That was this cauldron that she poured her magic in to save her people…<br/>The waited day came and when the pain of the labor struck her, a darkness, vast and consuming, spread around the world! She was scared, something was happening, something new! something dangerous…dread start growing in her heart as the continues pain struck and struck! Where was her beloved? He had promised! The female looked up at the darkening sky...A familiar feeling was humming in the darkness that was spreading so fast in every aspect of her world!<br/>She called him, called her beloved! And the answer came…from the darkness.. the darkness that was taking her people one by one, shortening their lives! Turning them to some different version of themselves, making them look like withered flowers, turning them to fallen leaves!<br/>She tried to fight it with her light, but the darkness was thick and the pain was too much…she was nothing but a little light…a mere 'nur' who was nothing compared to that sheer darkness...<br/>She put her hand on her belly, feeling her child…a sacrifice was needed! Something must have been done! So they did it.<br/>The remaining of her people, who were not yet consumed by illness, withering, or by the tempting call of the darkness, gathered together! They circled her, circled the soon to be mother…<br/>She fought the sweet pain that promised her a new life, she collected every symbols of the shapes of life… a fistful of soil, a flicker of fire, a drop of water and a blow of air! She gathered light, she gathered shadow, she looked at the sun rising and fighting trough that impenetrable nightmare and she gathered hope…<br/>She poured them all into her cauldron and started annealing with the white fire that was her blessing, her healing magic, her life!<br/>The darkness rumbled, a rattling went through the spine of world and she started her chanting! Every life that remained, every living thing that still had managed to survive in the world, the very essence of nature ceased their wandering and being…they all leaved themselves and joined the sacrifice…they all gave up their very essence to the cauldron…<br/>An effervesce took upon the cauldron, little golden sparkles raised and made different symbols! She looked at the darkness, at what was blighting her world, the love of her life…she looked down at her cauldron, at what was now holding all there was to her world and lastly she smiled at her belly, the cause of her pain! The mean to their survival…<br/>It was needed! This last sacrifice was needed! her people, the living ones, had died and sacrificed themselves one by one! She could do this, she had to…one strong life, one made out of life was the last needed thing to defeat the darkness… to destroy it forever!<br/>The last one was her child…<br/>She couldn't do it, she was not strong enough! But if not destroying, then she could trap the darkness! The one she loved so much… she could postpone his death by letting their child to live...she could postpone this fateful fight and leave it to her child…<br/>So she did something terrible…and great! The babe born and the darkness was trapped…how, you ask? I tell you.<br/>She sacrificed her child…but only his body! She made a bargain with the new soul, the remnant of an old world and the emblem of the new one:<br/>_ hello my dear, hello my child! Find the time that you can live and flourish in, find a body that you can fit in…destroy the darkness that is your sire, save the world that is your mother's! Live my dearest and be true, have love for whoever deserve it and have pity for who don't…never kill and never harm, be kind as the rain my dear and don't discriminate...remember that I love you,that I have always loved you…<br/>She blow at the little light who was hers, the spirit of her child and let it roams in the world that she was to create!<br/>She held the soulless body close to her chest, she put one last kiss on his son corpse and then gave it away to the cauldron…<br/>The darkness was trapped in a seal made by the female who became mother that day… now she was standing all alone in a burned and black world that soon would blossom…<br/>She smiled sadly, and gave up her body! She ascent to the skies, she watched the new world… this would be her child's home!<br/>The kid that was born out of light and darkness!<br/>It’s still roaming…or maybe...he has finally found his body?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. How it is</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>night was dark, but so be it! sun would rise soon enough, and his nightmares would be gone...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi guys!<br/>hope you like this chapter!<br/>and oh by the way (Anatha) is Thesan's mother...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He lived inside his head!<br/>Or that's what he felt like, always an outsider to the outside world and always seeing and observing things as one might look at a passing river! Not being a part of things! Not being involved in the constant current of life! That's what he was the best at! Observing, watching, feeling...<br/>Eris used to pat his head and call him airhead, but he was no such thing! He saw everything, every little detail! and through time he had learnt to analyze his observations, conclude from them... through time he had learnt that knowledge, having something over people was what would keep him alive, make him useful, make him wanted!<br/>He was no airhead! He was an observer, and he was good at it!<br/>Until Amarantha took his eye! Carved it out, scarred his face, and ripped out his most precious remaining thing in life! The thing that made him believe that maybe, maybe he wasn't a monster after all, his healing magic...<br/>Fifty years and he still missed the feel of channeling that white soft magic to someone else's body; he still missed the beautiful light in his patients eyes when they were healed and ready to go back to their life, it was no less than a miracle...and when he lost it, it was no less than a curse...<br/>An eye and the one thing he loved about himself...the price of not being able to shut his mouth!<br/>The eye was replaced, by another one, a better one! Now he could see more, feel more! But it was all too much...too much to take in, too much to analyze, too much to conclude from! He could see magic, even taste it sometimes! He could see through every lie and glamour, see through every ward and spell! And he could do nothing about them!<br/>He sighed as Vassa barked something at Jurian, They were at it again! The moon was high in the outside sky and even though he knew there would be no total silence, no peace and quiet, he excused himself and headed to his room, it was an effort to not shrink under those two heathen's curious stare, but he was nothing if not resistant!<br/>It was a short walk to his room and before he knew, before his legs could get use to the movement of his muscles, he was on his bed...staring at the ceiling and yet again, thinking!<br/>It was way easier to think here, in his room where there was no sexual tension to choke on! It seemed the cauldron was performing some practical joke on him! He was honestly and seriously tired of being around these lovebirds and their shenanigans! Also maybe ego was a better word! As if the last ones weren't enough for a whole fucking life time! Nevermind that...<br/>Thinking…thinking was what he did the best, except snapping at people in the most inconvenient times! But that was out of question now…he has been controlling himself very well this past 3 years! No one could call him snarky anymore! What snark? He was now the perfect, polite courtier that everyone wanted him to be…no snark, no badmouthing _and no court! So much for being a courtier!_ So it left him with thinking and thinking and thinking!<br/>It was good actually! No one would whip him for thinking nor would they carve his eye out for it! It was safe! Safety…that's what he always wanted…what he never had…<br/>Eris used to say that trouble would find him, no matter where he goes and no matter what he does…Eris was right! He hated it when Eris was right…and he almost always was right!<br/>There it was again…the pain! Both in his head and in his chest! It was like she was deliberately trying to hurt him…but of course not! Why would nice and sweet try to hurt him? To hurt anyone? He snickered to himself…horseshit! That's what it was! Total horseshit!<br/>He rubbed his hand on his chest, trying to soothe the constant tug of the bond! and closed his eyes...now that he was in the safe warmth of his bed, his head laying on the soft and comfortable pillow, he knew that sleep was coming...wind moved slowly between the leaves of outside's trees, a cricket was singing a rhythmic song...a nice warmth crept under his eyelids...sleep was coming!<br/>And with sleep, other things would come as well...<br/>****<br/>It always started like this, a never changing nightmare that didn't scare him anymore! His chin in Amaranha's hand, his knees braking under the pressure of Attor's claws on his shoulders! His wrist was being held behind and they were close to the point of shattering, there was no way to run! He was caught between those creatures of nightmare! He was as a matter of fact in a nightmare…<br/>Blink… the nail of Amarantha's forefinger was crowned by his eyeball!<br/>Blink… the pain, a real pain, was shooting throughout his body!!<br/>Blink… It wasn't enough! She wanted more, needed more!<br/>Blink… he nails came dawn at his face, scarring! clawing!<br/>Blink…he was in spring…cool breeze on his face, searing pain in his head…Tamlin was throwing up his guts…<br/>Blink… he could see Nuan's face through a red curtain! He could hear Anatha's crying as if he was under the water…he could feel Thesan's healing magic running through his body, searching, mending…<br/>Blink…he was no longer in the nightmare!<br/>But this was the worst part, because it was real… it was no flashback of his mind! It was no unsolved trauma of his life…it was what crept deep inside of him in the place of his once-so-bright healing magic…this corrupting darkness that was lurking behind his skull… this… this was his greatest fear that murmured to him time to time…come to me child it would say…and Lucien wanted to! Wanted to give in… but where are you? And no answer would come _it had not come for a while now_ except the suffocating sense of drowning and the impenetrable black walls that would get closer and closer by every passing second!<br/>He couldn't breath, he couldn't move! And now, deep into this real nightmare, he couldn't wake up either…<br/>This was the worst part…the paralysis!<br/>Wake up someone shouted at him! Wake up someone shook him…wake up, wake up, wake up…<br/>His eyes was wide open and there was no one in the room!<br/>He could see again! Normally, magically. And the darkness was crawling back…going deep and far behind his mind! Hiding and waiting for another nightmare, for another time which in, it could show itself again…<br/>The sun was rising…his savior! He clung to the light and rose up!<br/>Today was another day…and he had to get ready! Night court was waiting for him…</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>all comments are appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. life and death are two sides of the same coin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>in which Feyre and Rhys tell Lucien about Nyx....</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys... sorry it took so long! I was busy with university and stuff like that!<br/>hope you like this chapter and Yes! there are a few hints on what I'm about to do with this fic and God I'm so excited about it!<br/>let me know what you think about it and by the way if you saw any grammatical mistake or things like that, please tell me! I'm trying to improve my English!<br/>hope you enjoy the chapter, love you all :* :*</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The big surprise wasn't a surprise at all!<br/>He had seen the babe's magic with his eye the last time he'd visited night court! But he kept it quiet like the good fox he was, they would indulge him anyway if they wanted to!<br/>And now here he was! Being indulged! Why? Obviously not because he was Feyre's friend or their emissary, but only because… what? Oh yes! He was the one who had to tell Tamlin! Why not just kill him? Oh yes, he still had his uses…never mind that! It didn't matter…the pain would get duller and duller through time and he would get use to this just like he had gotten use to not being a part of his own family!<br/>The shadowsinger was there, monitoring Lucien's every movement! one scarred hand on the hilt of his dagger! Damned with the bastard! What did the spy master think of him? That he would attack Feyre and kill her child? Was that what they thought of him? A killer? What did they see him as? An Autumn bastard like the rest of his brothers?! It was true, Lucien wan an Autumn bastard…but he wasn't like his brothers, he had tried all his life to not be like them! he had tried and even though he wasn't the best person in the world, and he definitely had made some terrible mistake, but he was not a killer, and he was not a vanserra!<br/>He had endangered his life under the mountain for Feyre, not because she was the key to their freedom, but because she was his friend! He had suffered a trial alongside her and he had tried his best to help her after leaving that shithole! Why didn't they remember that?? It was easy for them…to hide for fifty years and then barge in like heroes! Not that Lucien didn't value their doings in war, not that Lucien wasn't grateful for what they had done and sacrificed…but they weren't alone in doing those thing! Whole the prythian fought by their side! Even his dick of a father! And now how they treated him…as if he didn't know what pain was! What war was! What losing a friend was! He had lost some of his dearest friends under the mountain! He knew…did they know as well?<br/>He wanted her to be happy, to be at peace and be safe! He wanted her everything he himself never had in his life…a child was to be born, his wet nurse used to tell him that every child is a sign from mother, to tell us that there is still hope for the world! That it still can be saved! From what? Lucien was too young to ask and when he was old enough, his wet nurse was long gone, put down by his family! Because she was too kind, she was superstitious and there was no place for her in the court of heathens! But Lucien knew better, knew what sentenced her to her death! he should have never called her mother! That was it, that was what killed her! A childish voice, a yearning young voice in need of kindness! And she was too kind to tell him to not call her mother… she loved him, and she paid for it! Just like everyone else...he still remembered the smell of burning flesh that watered his mouth before he knew what exactly had caused it!<br/>But this child would be safe! This child had an actual family…and as mush as he disliked Rhysand, Lucien had to admit that he would be a good father! If it was Tamlin…no! once upon time, Tamlin was a good friend! Was a good high lord, was a good brother! But things had changed and Tamlin was no longer a good friend he once was, he was no longer a brother! He was an imitation of his family! Of all he despised once… but it didn't mean that Lucien would give up on him, he loved Tamlin to his core…Tamlin was the first person who had cared for him and Lucien still owed him for that… still was in debt of him for not only his life, but for his dreams! Because that was all Lucien had always had…dreams!<br/>He congratulated them both…sincere…he tried to sound as sincere as he could…but memories were rushing back! Memories of another time, maybe even another person! He was no longer the male Jesminda loved! Would she love him now? Would she give up her safety, her freedom, her life for him, now? A swollen belly of another female passed through his mind! He knew he should stop thinking before he drowned but it was hard to stop… he always had lived in his head, it was hard to scape his thought, his home! A childish laughter ringed in his ears…oh how he had missed that sound and the sheer joy in it! He wanted to go back in time…to see him again! Only once would be enough! One last time, so he could embrace his child… but he had to stop, he had to bury those memories now! Or they would break him, shatter him to nothing and leave nothing behind…<br/>the tiny little magic in Feyre's belly was throbbing and Lucien couldn't help the forming smile…and he couldn't help but deepen the smile to an stupid grin! Because Feyre was grinning, a cheeky grin! A sign of her youngness and more importantly…happiness!<br/>Uncle Lucien…he had to admit that it had a beautiful ring in it! Maybe he could teach the kid how to prank his parent! He was an expert after all!<br/>And oh how he appreciated the tight hug Feyre gave him...because he wasn't sure if he should, if he was allowed to hug Feyre…Tamlin would never let him hug Feyre if it was his child…but Rhys wasn't Tamlin, so he hugged Feyre back, damned with the shadowsinger! He could stare at Lucien's back all he wanted! Lucien hugged Feyre as tight as his nerves and Feyre's belly let him and before he could stop himself, he was whispering to her ears:<br/>_let's hope he be as pretty as his dad…<br/>They both chuckled!<br/>And sent him to viper…<br/>***<br/>_mother spare you all…<br/>What was life but the journey of death? death was like a vibration in the air, "and so was life" a voice whispered in his head! "What can kill, also can give life" the voice continued… and so he muttered under his breath: "mother spare you all"<br/>Lucien knew fire…and fire was fire! No matter what color it burned in! the weakest fire burned red! The color of the youngling's fire, called 'Sorkh' by scholars and instructors… 'Nar' was better, stronger! Its orange gleam could burn skin and flesh in no time and yet, it still was nothing! weak compared to the blue flames of 'Nill'…Nill was the fire of the high lords and princes! It would burn and burn and burn, leaving nothing behind but scattered ashes in the wind! But those weren't all! Fire had other faces! More magical, more dangerous ones…<br/>White fire… Harmless fire, judging fire, purifying fire…the fire that did not burn!<br/>And black fire… the fire that came straight from hell! and once it started, it would never stop burning! It would feed on flesh and blood to grow! It would turn right to wrong and pure to vile!<br/>Beron called them myth! Children's stories! But Lucien was not only a dreamer, but also a believer! Eris could call him an airhead all he wanted! But Lucien was the one who had ventured autumn's land deeper than any other faerie! Lesser and high the same! Lucien was them one who had befriended people and talked to them! He was the one who had listened to them, who had heard their pleas and dreams and their stories! He was the one who had pursued those stories until they had come true in those ancient lands that no one dared to explore, not even Beron! Lucien was the one who had seen unknown things in his adventures through woods and old ruins of autumn! He had seen the very spirit of fire that burned deep down in the core of the world! He had talked to it! And he knew, just knew that immortality had no myth and legend in it! Everything was true, every story!<br/>And now! He could see an evidence, he had seen it before but didn't dare to believe! Not white, not black! But silver fire… silver!<br/>"I wonder if there are some things that should not be awoken" he had told them! But he was sure they weren't going to listen! Power was a toy in the night court! A far too smart toy for a bunch of foolish children! Lucien knew that they were going to use it! Whatever it was, and he knew the cost! Silver! Not white! There was a ting of darkness, and that was enough…darkness was corrupting, darkness was an infection!<br/>Cauldron was vast, as vast as the universe! As vast as the countless worlds! And yet when she – the viper, the wild cat - had grasped, when she clawed at the cauldron it was death that came to her! Why? What was life but the journey of death? and what was death but the end of life? 'What could kill, also could give life' The voice had murmured to him…she had clawed at cauldron, blinded by rage! But it was cauldron that gave up death! why? Why giving up death? to give life? Cauldron was no creature of time, it knew what was in past and present! It knew whatever were to come!<br/>What are you up to? Lucien wandered in his mind! The little darkness in the back of his mind gave a nonchalant shrug…and Lucien knew then, whatever it was, whatever it was going to do! It didn't matter, because in all the possible alternatives, Lucien was deep deep deep in shit!<br/>Peace was a dream that even he couldn't see…<br/>***<br/>Tamlin looked like shit, and worse was coming!<br/>It wasn't easy to tell his friend, his once_upon_a_time brother that the female he had loved so dearly was pregnant! Feyre's pregnancy could be the last straw for Tamlin…or it could set him free! Maybe these news could make him see that everyone and everything had moved on! That everyone and everything had made a life for their own! Except him and except his people who were scattered through Prythian like wild plants through a meadow…except Lucien, who were still too cought up in fixing what he had left behind that he couldn't make anything new!<br/>Maybe it finally was time for Tamlin to man up and get a grip on himself…on his life!<br/>Spring had been left orphan…Tamlin needed to go back and father his lands! Because Lucien couldn't…it wasn't his responsibility, not that it mattered! But Lucien couldn't! like actually couldn't…he was tired! His bones were weary, his joints felt weak and yeasty... and deep down, he was no longer himself… Amarantha had took something from him and the king of Hybern had disfigured and twisted that thing nad even though the said thing was no longer a part of him, he could still feel the change…the shift!<br/>So spring was left to Tamlin, and Lucien needed to make thing right with that petulant child of a High lord! Lucien was Tired of Tamlin's tantrums, he was tired of Tamlin self pitying himself for things that were mostly his own fault! Lucien were going to do this! He was going to tell Tamlin everything! No holding back! No pity! Absolutely not!<br/>And so he saw the beat! And so he blurted the news out as if they were grand news of joy and happiness! The were grand news of joy and happiness…but not for Tamlin…<br/>Tamlin had froze upon hearing the new… he had looked at Lucien as if he couldn't believe Lucien could be cruel enough to tell him these things!<br/>And Lucien was damned…because it was worse…the endless sadness in Tamlin's eyes was worse! Lucien preferred the rage, he preferred Tamlin's claws rather than his tears!<br/>Tamlin howled…Tamlin mourned, with no care for the presence of another…apparently he was past that point…and so was Lucien! Who was he kidding? No pity? No holding back?<br/>Tamlin was his everything…Tamlin was the one who had gave Lucien his dreames…Tamlin was the one who had showed Lucien kindness and survived it! Tamlin was the hero Lucien could run to when home was no longer home, and mother knew that home never was home!<br/>So Lucien approached, tears streaming down his face and shaking like a willow…the fur on the back of Tamlin's neck was rough and there was twigs and leaves in it, it was warm…and it was weird!<br/>Lucien kept petting the beast, his friend! He corrected himself…the beast was Tamlin and Tamlin was the beast…the beast was Tamlin self made cage…his self proclaimed foem of punishment! The beast was made out of Tamlin's pain and grief! Out of his regrets! And cauldron boil him, how Lucien hated the beast!<br/>Physical proximity never was Tamlin's thing! Specially to other males…that was the thing with seasonal courts! People were too uptight! Too cought in traditions and being proper, in being formal and in control that there never was any place for physical contact…growing up, it always was suffocating, he needed hug and cuddle but he never could get any! But then he left Autumn to Dawn to study and train as healer, and mother bless their souls! Those friends he found in Dawn were heaven-sent! Always so ready for hugging and even better than that, they would dance with him, sing with him…and in the depth of the night, they would even cuddle him! Another person…another life! That's what it was...<br/>Now he was in Spring and even though Tamlin never was a great fan of hugs and cuddles, Lucien hugged him, as tight as he could...maybe a hug was all Tamlin needed, maybe a hug would help…help to keep Tamlin's pieces together…<br/>Tamlin shaked, Tamlin cried, Tamlin mourned…and Lucien held tighter…</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so...tell me what you think :D</p></blockquote></div></div>
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